The News through the eyes of a sane man, 2nd of March 2013

Just had a quick flick through the daily paper looking for some evidence of real news, I’ll be straight up from the start, there wasn’t much of it to be found in the Daily Mirror. This does not surprise me in the slightest but it seems fair to point out for any of the uninitiated who may have stumbled upon this page by mistake.

This is the first in a series of regular posts where I’ll be filtering the crap, digging for the truth and generally poking fun at the mainstream media, the first subject being the Daily Mirror on Saturday the 2nd of March, 2013. I will stress now that my gripe with the media does not begin and end with the Daily Mirror but fuck me they know how to irritate me.

It’s not so much the lack of REAL NEWS that irks me but more the order in which the editors choose to prioritise it in this shitty rag, and the way they somehow manage to, dare I say it, ‘hide’ the nuggets of REAL NEWS by bombarding the reader with jaw dropping stories featuring Z list ‘celebrities’ and skeletal looking ‘models’. Such as the shocking revelation on page 3 that Richard Wilson’s gay!

What you don’t know who Richard Wilson is? No, neither did I, let’s try again shall we, Victor Mildrew is gay!

This man likes cock

This man likes cock

Funnily enough when I read this my mind didn’t jump to the most obvious joke here. In fact I found myself nodding saying “I can bloody believe that!”

I know what you’re thinking…

who gives a shit? Right??

Cara-Delevingne

Sharing the page with old Dickie Wilson was the so called ‘top model’ above, to be fair the report here was highlighting a selection of Cara Delvignes best gurn faces and to be completely honest she is pretty fucking good! What struck me most though was the one image of her that was meant to be taken seriously, on first glance I sincerely thought for a split second that Hermione Granger had started using Crystal Meth.

School Girl Wizard

School Girl Wizard

Runaway Junkie

Runaway Junkie

Now that would have been NEWS!

Disclaimer : I’m aware that my comments regarding skeleton models might cause offense as there are some folk out there who are actually quite fond of Skeletal ‘Models’, to rectify this uncmfortable situation here’s a few of my own personal favourites.

skeletons3 blog 1

skeleton comparison 2 blog 1

skeleton_95 blog 1

Despite my underlying disgust for this version of the truth that is the Daily Mirror, I managed to read through it and fortunately I did find a few interesting and somewhat amusing reports that will definitely require a bit of further investigation.

On page 4 Ben Rossington reports on Professor Baile Zhangs invisibility cloak, (not yet commercially available) and likens it to having a similar function to the one young Harry Potter inherited. I was instantly disappointed because I’ve secretly been hoping that any invisibility device created be more akin to the One ring worn by Frodo in LOTR 1,2 and 3. It seems a lot fairer that power as great as invisibility be balanced by having a big feckin Lord of Evil Doom be able to find you whenever you use it.

I digress.

Who's the Daddy?

Who’s the Daddy?

Anyway Professor Zhangs invention is still in its very earliest days and so far he has only managed to make ‘part of a Post-It note’ vanish from view…

I’m still sceptical at the moment but it is definitely interesting and I’ll be keeping an eye out for any future updates. Professor Zhang did annoy me a little with his off-hand ‘I made it for fun’ comment.

If you think it’s worthwhile invoking the dreaded Lord Sauron so that you can have a ‘bit of fun’ then crack on dickhead! Just be considerate enough to leave the rest of us ‘happy being seen, nothing to hide’ folks out of it. And don’t do anything pervy with your new found powers either like that bastard Kevin Bacon did in that silly Hollowman movie.

hollow-man-directors-cut-20071003025142373-000 blog 1

Ben knows he’s riled me with this article but he’s clever enough to pull me right back at the end, restoring my faith in humanity by reporting on reports in America (he doesn’t leave a source) that US Military experts are working on a similar method of manipulating light to hide objects. It goes on to say ‘they hope one day they will be able to prevent troops being seen by enemy forces’, now that’s the shit!

Trust Good old Uncle Sam to find a reason worthy of risking the wrath of Sauron for.

Strangely a video appeared online a few years ago that appears to prove the US Military already have this technology.

 

REAL or FAKE?

What do you think?

Jumping ahead to page 15 and the headline says ‘I’ve Eaten 2 Women’ (snigger), either this is the boastings of another egotistical self proclaimed ‘celebrity’ messiah or I may have just found my first SICKO OF THE DAY.

Oh yeah there it is, CANNIBAL. This has got to be good.

silence-of-the-lamb

Apparently, 57 year old Dale Bolinger and Gilberto Valle had been conspiring to cook and eat women and may have possibly eaten women before. The cop and the nurse are said to have discussed menu options such as the delicious sounding Human Haggis.

The most stomach churning allegation being that they planned to cut off a woman’s feet and barbecue them in front of her while she was still alive!

A pair of truly sick fuckers indeed.

Personally I blame the movies and more specifically the actors. No, not Anthony Hopkins for his role as Dr Hannibal Lecter in the 1991 Academy Award Winning movie Silence of The Lambs, oh no it’s that short-arsed, big footed bastard Frodo who needs to take a real good look at himself in the mirror for that part he played in Sin City. You should be ashamed of yourself Frodo.

This man likes fingers

This man likes fingers

Moving swiftly onto page 27, a short mention for ‘SUPER GRANNY’ Margaret Leese for her part in foiling callous bastard Andrew Reece as he attempted to rob a Co-Op, knocking down 77 year old Margaret in the process, the shit head was given a 20 week jail term.

Not quite long enough in my book. If I was really crazy I might say that a public flogging of, oh I don’t know say, 50 LASHES! might be a much more effective and cost efficient way of administering justice. If I was really crazy that is. (DREAD is the best.)

supernan

Directly underneath this riveting tale of ‘SUPER GRANNY’ we find ourselves another sick puppy.

I’m going to be simple and blunt about this.

Hywel Basham stabbed his sister in the head with the knife used to cut their mothers 73rd birthday cake.

What more can be said on the matter other than the fact that this news is hidden in a tiny corner near the middle of the newspaper while the cover story tells us we should be worrying about whether or not Kev from Corrie is a nonce.

Mr Basham was jailed for nine years. If I was really crazy I might suggest a more permanent punishment for his crimes. If I was really crazy.

UNREAL NEWS
Unrelated reports have confirmed that the birthday cake in question was actually quite tasty and anyone concerned with wastage will be pleased to know that Mr Basham did in fact finish his sisters slice after the stabbing, reports state that he was heard to say ‘you’re not going to eat that are you?’ before greedily wolfing down the homemade Tarte Tatin. Which proves once again to our Cannibal scallywags previously mentioned, regardless of the nature of your crime, cake is good, human flesh is BAD!

Sorry
I
Learnt
Less
Yesterday
Can
U
Not
Tell
Sir?

This story was the only part of the newspaper that genuinely made me laugh out loud; it is beautiful both in its simplicity and its ridiculousness.

It’s a pity it was presented on a 10th of page 31 and wedged in between an offer for free vegetable seeds and a sale from Lidl offering half price tomatoes, which left me with the terrible dilemma of not knowing if I should grow my own at home or seize the initiative and fill my boots at Lidl while the precious Tomato supply lasted. A tough choice indeed.

Anyway the story reads that linguistic genius and part time Frankie Boyle writer Mark Dunning used his resignation letter as school head to call colleague Roger Clarke a WANKER using the first letter of six words to form the insult. (see example above)

This seems like a fairly juvenile act in itself but bad boy Mark posted the letter on the school website causing much shock and distress to parents at the £13,000 a year Orley Farm School.

One parent who declined to be named said ‘it’s very unprofessional, you expect better from someone running a school where we’re paying a fortune for the children NOT TO LEARN those words”, she’s not in the slightest bit deluded is she?

I will point out to Mr Ben Rossington, the author of the original Daily Mirror article that as an English man in England, I don’t know what the fuck a prep school is! We have Nurseries, Primaries and Secondaries, so fuck off with your Americanisms! I know they saved your arse on the page 4 story but Mr Dunnings got this one covered. Trust me.

Did you agree or disagree with any of the comments in this post?

Have you seen something funny, silly, unusual, serious in the news that you’d like to share?

Is there anything related to this post that you would like to see my opinion on?

Let me know in the comments box below.

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