The truth about passports…

Found this today, on Facebook of all places. I’m not 100 % sure if this made it to the passport office but I’d love to think it did. Either way the author is bang on the money on quite a few points –

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It’s on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I’ve had.

It’s on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Mary Anne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I’m really pissed off this morning.
Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin’ there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you’d be the last fucking people I’d want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,’cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it’s really me on the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin’ morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn’t smile if we wanted to? Because we’re totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 …

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

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Winter is coming…

RobertBaratheon

No Really.

And apparently it’s set to kill more than 26,000 people in the UK, we reveal today.

Just look at the wording of that sentence. SET TO KILL.

How sinister does that sound?

Like it’s a cyborg sent from the future hell bent on destruction that we have no chance of defeating.

True?

t-1000

Nope, not even close.

You see the three main causes of DEATH during the winter are as follows.

  • Rising energy prices
  • Shitty Pensions
  • Badly insulated houses

Surprisingly you will notice that the invasion of the white walkers has nothing to do with this latest projected death TARGET. A nation as advanced as ours should surely be able to cope with the problems highlighted above. Fuck me, how many houses could be insulated for the elderly for £400,000? That’s the same cost the government decided to spend on that fat slag Heather Frost and her brood of bastards by the way. Makes you fucking sick doesn’t it?

(at an average cost of £300 per loft insulation, they could actually do about 1300 houses for what they’re gifting this professional scrounger)

All this comes after British Gas announcing annual profits of £606,000,000!! – An increase of 11%

Good old Gritish Bass

And what about back to basics? Like oh, I don’t know, some extra fucking blankets maybe? If nothing else you have to admire the sheer level of fuckery employed by the media in their use of misleading headlines.

Prime Minister David Cameron

Prime Minister David Cameron

When questioned the Prime Minister had disappointing news regardingthe matter saying that the problem was out of his hands for the time being, “Unfortunately I will be unable to deal with the matter at the moment and I’m afraid that the weak and infirm are just going to have to toughen up a bit for the time being. I have informed the cabinet that I am not to be disturbed from March 31st until June 3rd as I will be focusing all my attention on the upcoming war in Westeros. Until then I’m afraid the good people of Britain will have to sit it out without me. I’m sure you understand”

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Invisibility Cloak Uncovered at TED Conference? Not Quite…

Professor Baile Zhang and his Magic Invisibility Cloak!

Yes that’s his REAL name and yes he has created the worlds first invisibility cloak…

Or has he?

Take a look for yourself.

Amazing isn’t it?

No I didn’t think so either.

If I was really crazy I might say this invisibility cloak is nothing but a load of over hyped donkey shit. If I was really crazy.

You’ve definitely got the coolest sounding name Professor Zhang but Dynamo has still got the best tricks.

Did you agree or disagree with any of the comments in this post?

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The News through the eyes of a sane man, 2nd of March 2013

Just had a quick flick through the daily paper looking for some evidence of real news, I’ll be straight up from the start, there wasn’t much of it to be found in the Daily Mirror. This does not surprise me in the slightest but it seems fair to point out for any of the uninitiated who may have stumbled upon this page by mistake.

This is the first in a series of regular posts where I’ll be filtering the crap, digging for the truth and generally poking fun at the mainstream media, the first subject being the Daily Mirror on Saturday the 2nd of March, 2013. I will stress now that my gripe with the media does not begin and end with the Daily Mirror but fuck me they know how to irritate me.

It’s not so much the lack of REAL NEWS that irks me but more the order in which the editors choose to prioritise it in this shitty rag, and the way they somehow manage to, dare I say it, ‘hide’ the nuggets of REAL NEWS by bombarding the reader with jaw dropping stories featuring Z list ‘celebrities’ and skeletal looking ‘models’. Such as the shocking revelation on page 3 that Richard Wilson’s gay!

What you don’t know who Richard Wilson is? No, neither did I, let’s try again shall we, Victor Mildrew is gay!

This man likes cock

This man likes cock

Funnily enough when I read this my mind didn’t jump to the most obvious joke here. In fact I found myself nodding saying “I can bloody believe that!”

I know what you’re thinking…

who gives a shit? Right??

Cara-Delevingne

Sharing the page with old Dickie Wilson was the so called ‘top model’ above, to be fair the report here was highlighting a selection of Cara Delvignes best gurn faces and to be completely honest she is pretty fucking good! What struck me most though was the one image of her that was meant to be taken seriously, on first glance I sincerely thought for a split second that Hermione Granger had started using Crystal Meth.

School Girl Wizard

School Girl Wizard

Runaway Junkie

Runaway Junkie

Now that would have been NEWS!

Disclaimer : I’m aware that my comments regarding skeleton models might cause offense as there are some folk out there who are actually quite fond of Skeletal ‘Models’, to rectify this uncmfortable situation here’s a few of my own personal favourites.

skeletons3 blog 1

skeleton comparison 2 blog 1

skeleton_95 blog 1

Despite my underlying disgust for this version of the truth that is the Daily Mirror, I managed to read through it and fortunately I did find a few interesting and somewhat amusing reports that will definitely require a bit of further investigation.

On page 4 Ben Rossington reports on Professor Baile Zhangs invisibility cloak, (not yet commercially available) and likens it to having a similar function to the one young Harry Potter inherited. I was instantly disappointed because I’ve secretly been hoping that any invisibility device created be more akin to the One ring worn by Frodo in LOTR 1,2 and 3. It seems a lot fairer that power as great as invisibility be balanced by having a big feckin Lord of Evil Doom be able to find you whenever you use it.

I digress.

Who's the Daddy?

Who’s the Daddy?

Anyway Professor Zhangs invention is still in its very earliest days and so far he has only managed to make ‘part of a Post-It note’ vanish from view…

I’m still sceptical at the moment but it is definitely interesting and I’ll be keeping an eye out for any future updates. Professor Zhang did annoy me a little with his off-hand ‘I made it for fun’ comment.

If you think it’s worthwhile invoking the dreaded Lord Sauron so that you can have a ‘bit of fun’ then crack on dickhead! Just be considerate enough to leave the rest of us ‘happy being seen, nothing to hide’ folks out of it. And don’t do anything pervy with your new found powers either like that bastard Kevin Bacon did in that silly Hollowman movie.

hollow-man-directors-cut-20071003025142373-000 blog 1

Ben knows he’s riled me with this article but he’s clever enough to pull me right back at the end, restoring my faith in humanity by reporting on reports in America (he doesn’t leave a source) that US Military experts are working on a similar method of manipulating light to hide objects. It goes on to say ‘they hope one day they will be able to prevent troops being seen by enemy forces’, now that’s the shit!

Trust Good old Uncle Sam to find a reason worthy of risking the wrath of Sauron for.

Strangely a video appeared online a few years ago that appears to prove the US Military already have this technology.

 

REAL or FAKE?

What do you think?

Jumping ahead to page 15 and the headline says ‘I’ve Eaten 2 Women’ (snigger), either this is the boastings of another egotistical self proclaimed ‘celebrity’ messiah or I may have just found my first SICKO OF THE DAY.

Oh yeah there it is, CANNIBAL. This has got to be good.

silence-of-the-lamb

Apparently, 57 year old Dale Bolinger and Gilberto Valle had been conspiring to cook and eat women and may have possibly eaten women before. The cop and the nurse are said to have discussed menu options such as the delicious sounding Human Haggis.

The most stomach churning allegation being that they planned to cut off a woman’s feet and barbecue them in front of her while she was still alive!

A pair of truly sick fuckers indeed.

Personally I blame the movies and more specifically the actors. No, not Anthony Hopkins for his role as Dr Hannibal Lecter in the 1991 Academy Award Winning movie Silence of The Lambs, oh no it’s that short-arsed, big footed bastard Frodo who needs to take a real good look at himself in the mirror for that part he played in Sin City. You should be ashamed of yourself Frodo.

This man likes fingers

This man likes fingers

Moving swiftly onto page 27, a short mention for ‘SUPER GRANNY’ Margaret Leese for her part in foiling callous bastard Andrew Reece as he attempted to rob a Co-Op, knocking down 77 year old Margaret in the process, the shit head was given a 20 week jail term.

Not quite long enough in my book. If I was really crazy I might say that a public flogging of, oh I don’t know say, 50 LASHES! might be a much more effective and cost efficient way of administering justice. If I was really crazy that is. (DREAD is the best.)

supernan

Directly underneath this riveting tale of ‘SUPER GRANNY’ we find ourselves another sick puppy.

I’m going to be simple and blunt about this.

Hywel Basham stabbed his sister in the head with the knife used to cut their mothers 73rd birthday cake.

What more can be said on the matter other than the fact that this news is hidden in a tiny corner near the middle of the newspaper while the cover story tells us we should be worrying about whether or not Kev from Corrie is a nonce.

Mr Basham was jailed for nine years. If I was really crazy I might suggest a more permanent punishment for his crimes. If I was really crazy.

UNREAL NEWS
Unrelated reports have confirmed that the birthday cake in question was actually quite tasty and anyone concerned with wastage will be pleased to know that Mr Basham did in fact finish his sisters slice after the stabbing, reports state that he was heard to say ‘you’re not going to eat that are you?’ before greedily wolfing down the homemade Tarte Tatin. Which proves once again to our Cannibal scallywags previously mentioned, regardless of the nature of your crime, cake is good, human flesh is BAD!

Sorry
I
Learnt
Less
Yesterday
Can
U
Not
Tell
Sir?

This story was the only part of the newspaper that genuinely made me laugh out loud; it is beautiful both in its simplicity and its ridiculousness.

It’s a pity it was presented on a 10th of page 31 and wedged in between an offer for free vegetable seeds and a sale from Lidl offering half price tomatoes, which left me with the terrible dilemma of not knowing if I should grow my own at home or seize the initiative and fill my boots at Lidl while the precious Tomato supply lasted. A tough choice indeed.

Anyway the story reads that linguistic genius and part time Frankie Boyle writer Mark Dunning used his resignation letter as school head to call colleague Roger Clarke a WANKER using the first letter of six words to form the insult. (see example above)

This seems like a fairly juvenile act in itself but bad boy Mark posted the letter on the school website causing much shock and distress to parents at the £13,000 a year Orley Farm School.

One parent who declined to be named said ‘it’s very unprofessional, you expect better from someone running a school where we’re paying a fortune for the children NOT TO LEARN those words”, she’s not in the slightest bit deluded is she?

I will point out to Mr Ben Rossington, the author of the original Daily Mirror article that as an English man in England, I don’t know what the fuck a prep school is! We have Nurseries, Primaries and Secondaries, so fuck off with your Americanisms! I know they saved your arse on the page 4 story but Mr Dunnings got this one covered. Trust me.

Did you agree or disagree with any of the comments in this post?

Have you seen something funny, silly, unusual, serious in the news that you’d like to share?

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